How sensuality changed my life
What would our life look like if we lived our femininity freely, sensually, courageously, and fulfilled? For Sandra von Zabiensky, the path of Tantra led to the life of a new femininity: According to this ancient Indian spiritual tradition, everything is energy, the body is divine, radical transformation and deep insight are always possible. At SoSUE, she tells her story.
The invitation to make love with life
How sensuality changed my life
By Sandra von Zabiensky
On the outside, I had everything. I found myself attractive. I was newly married, and together we earned more than enough money. A spontaneous trip to the Seychelles? No big deal. I knew the Louis Vuitton stores from Berlin to Munich and proudly chose the personal shopping assistance in luxury boutiques. The famous Berlin restaurant Borchardt even delivered the legendary schnitzel to my hair salon before a film premiere. One might have thought I was indulging in pleasure. The truth is: Despite all the glamour, I was in a dark, small chamber. The chamber existed in my mind, and there sat my sense of self. I was strangely detached from my body, and all the supposed pleasures satisfied only one thing: my ego.
In my work, I have met many women who have had similar experiences. No wonder: If you are over 40, the likelihood is high that you grew up in an environment where hard work counts, the puritanical idea of achievement, restraint, and modesty. Sensuality, indulging in moments, food, nature, aesthetics, or sex – that feels deeply dirty and is not taught to us. Very few of us were encouraged as children to jump into muddy puddles, to test how the mud feels on the skin, or to be consciously introduced to our senses. Author and therapist Stella Resnick called this a "punishment ethos" some time ago; she writes that we are practically afraid of sensuality. Putting aside our own needs, sacrificing ourselves, working hard – these are all behaviors that were rewarded and still are to some extent.
However, this leads to one thing: a kind of resistance or reluctance towards sensuality, pleasure, play, joy, and enjoyment. Sensuality and Eros are not perceived as what they are: the ability to be in flow, with what is, to honor one's own needs, and to playfully enjoy life in all its facets. It was the same with me. Whether I was in a shopping frenzy, during sex, or working – I was addicted to the short kick, a short-term high that expanded my chamber in my head in a second before I went back into dissociation in my body.
All of this changed when Tantra came into my life. Yes, I know what images come to mind now: hot massage games, exotic sex techniques, and boundary-dissolving pleasure. All of that is really great, but actually Neo-Tantra, a sexual practice that originated in the USA in the early 20th century. What caught me was the very original Tantra, a spiritual tradition from India, with surprisingly modern approaches. In Tantra, everything is included, the body is seen as an expression of the divine. Naturally, the senses have a completely different function here. Sensuality is not frivolous or to be rejected, but a door opener to experience the world and oneself more comprehensively.
An approach that absolutely makes sense: About 11 million sensory impressions are processed in our brain every second. Guess how many of those we are aware of? Well? It's 40. With a sensuality practice, we won't perceive the eleven million, but we will become more attentive and refined, with ourselves and our surroundings.
I began experimenting with my senses. Instead of long meditation sessions, I wanted to feel, taste, smell, touch everything, explore it thoroughly, and also deviate from patterns. Just consciously eating chocolate? Boring. I first smeared it on my lips because I wanted to feel the texture, smelled it, listened to the crackling. During sex, I didn't want to focus on mindfulness and breathing because that's simply not my way of having sex; instead, I immersed myself in the feeling of being fulfilled, cut off all ideas of how I was supposed to be in bed, and let myself go free or explored in moments of Menage a moi how my orgasm fades. At that time, you would often find me sniffing the forest floor during dog walks, digging with both hands in the mud, or licking a tree. I extended this to my thoughts and emotions as well: How do they feel in the body? What directions of energy do they have? In short: I just wanted to experience everything anew.
The practice of sensuality gradually created a new worldview and quality of life. The dark chamber in my head no longer existed; for the first time in my life, I experienced deep connection with myself and my body.
And how do I live today? Well, I would definitely enjoy going to Louis Vuitton stores, and someday the Multi-Pochette will move in with me. But even if the money isn't there right now, I feel – warning, cliché alert – rich. Sensuality has given me the strength to radically reinvent myself beyond others' expectations. Today I live in France, Andorra, and Germany or wherever I feel drawn. Or rather, we: Last year I not only met my great love but also quickly sold everything I own and moved in with my boyfriend, whom I had only known for a few weeks, along with Elmo, my ancient Chihuahua grandpa.
So is life easier with sensuality and Tantra? Not necessarily. But it becomes more colorful, livelier, wilder, and freer. You learn to surrender to the moment and allow life to make love with you right now in this moment. And that is perhaps the most precious gift: after all, we only have the moment. So let's live it and drink it like the most delicate champagne in the world. Because, darling, who really knows what tomorrow will bring.
Sandra von Zabiensky lives what she writes. She only owns what fits in her car (admittedly a spacious SUV), reinvented herself in her mid-40s, and currently lives with her partner and dog Elmo on the southern French Atlantic coast. She basically lives by the principle "Courage before comfort," believes in the power of pleasure, and has found a free, self-founded being through Tantra. In workshops, coaching sessions, courses, and trainings, she shares her knowledge and her path. Additionally, she is an internationally teaching yoga instructor, part of the teacher team of the YogaEasy platform, writes passionately, for example for the best-known yoga online magazine FuckLuckyGoHappy, the magazine Yoga Aktuell, or on her Instagram channel. In her free time, she loves baguette sword fights in the kitchen, old school hip hop, the sea again and again, and nachos with cheese. Anyone who wants to learn more about Sandra should read her book: Tantra - The Path of the Brave Heart - The Sensually Transformative Practice for a New Femininity