From the end of bitchiness

There isn't much I've really planned for the next decade, but I've decided to "be nicer" – terrible weather, nightmares, or stress with teenagers will no longer serve as an excuse for my downturned mouth corners: I will train myself in "being nice."

I still remember well that it used to be frowned upon to be called nice. "Nice" was synonymous with insignificant – not exactly a compliment in the age of individualists, where it was important to leave clear character traces in a person's first impression. For better or worse, I certainly practiced that extensively in the past and rarely missed a faux pas, did not properly greet acquaintances, or did not sufficiently thank for small gestures of kindness. Most of the time, it is written all over my face whether the flag is flying at half-mast today, and I am tired and weary of submitting to my moods or personal feelings. And even though there are certainly a thousand reasons why I might feel bad, that is very relative, and there is no reason to annoy my fellow human beings with it. But where does the sudden change of heart come from? The initial spark was certainly my recent trip to Rio and the unbroken joie de vivre of the Brazilians; their friendly composure – even when the world around them is falling apart. This will to always face life cheerfully and positively and to dance away all worries and hormonal surges with samba impressed me.

According to recent studies, "being nice" is said to change our brain. Particularly effective are so-called "Acts of Kindness" – random gestures of friendliness without expecting anything in return. For example, scout tasks like carrying heavy groceries for an elderly lady, helping mothers with strollers, letting people with fewer items go ahead at the supermarket checkout, or paying for a neighbor's coffee. Just like that. According to a recently published study from the University of Berkeley, most participants reported having more energy after helping others or being nice, even though a different reaction was expected. "Killing with kindness" has always been a good method to take the wind out of the sails of ill-tempered opponents. We just have to want it. But can we really train kindness like a muscle that has simply weakened over the years? Doesn't "kindness" have to be anchored in character and come from the heart? A friend recently said to me and my children with a wink: "Politeness and good manners are more important than a good character." We stared at him incredulously and naturally asked for an explanation. It came promptly with a counter-question: What good is your great character if you are otherwise inattentive or ignorant towards your environment? That was an argument, and I realized that a good character does not necessarily go hand in hand with kindness and good manners. Therefore, yes, we can train kindness and "being nice" and, with luck, it will have a positive effect on our character.

According to the Berkeley study, kindness reduces suffering, makes us happy, more optimistic, and morally positive. It is said to improve our self-image and make us shine. A Harvard study showed that people who do good – for example, donate money or engage socially – are happier than others. They have fewer worries, pains, and panic attacks, and apparently even fewer depressions. In an experiment at the University of British Columbia, a group of people with severe social anxiety were asked to do a small thing for others once a day. Donate a few euros, hold the door open, and so on. After just 4 weeks, the participants were drastically more positive, avoidance behavior decreased – the bonding hormone oxytocin formed in the brain and the stress hormone cortisol decreased by a full 23 percent.

So we can say that kindness is very kind to us.

One could certainly argue whether this trained "new kindness" exclusively promotes self-purpose, i.e., self-optimization? But very few people are altruists with innate warmth of heart.

The more regularly we practice kindness, the more our brain restructures accordingly (thanks to the lifelong plasticity of neural pathways).

The good news: Each of us can demonstrably train kindness and goodness like a muscle.

My grandma once told me: treat every person the way you want to be treated yourself. Today, I catch myself preaching this to my own children. And another old saying says a lot about friendly coexistence: "What echoes in the forest, echoes back out." I've probably confirmed this millions of times in my life and am always amazed at how hard it is to shed negative patterns. But if it were as easy as putting on a new sweater, the world would already be a better place – even a paradise and no longer a utopia. Researcher Dr. David R. Hamilton writes in his book "The Five Side Effects Of Random Kindness" that kindness and "being nice" trigger a domino effect and transfer to other people, who then act nicer themselves. So basically, with small gestures, we can change the world in a big (great) way. If that's not motivation to wake up tomorrow with new eyes and just be nice.

Here's to a nice (new decade) and lots of exchange about it – right here on SoSUE.

Stay Tuned

Your Sue