Bikini Ah-great

Actually, I have always been an agent provocateur. I appreciate encouragement, but I am also used to being teased or even laughed at for my fashion finesse. In the past, I never really thought much about how my ideas were received by the outside world, and I was hardly unsettled by sharp remarks.

My impulsive actions have remained. I continue to experiment with fashion more or less uninhibitedly, and on top of that, I have come to terms with the possibilities and limitations of Instagram. For five years now, my looks and ideas have been visible on So-Me, usually I am my own model, and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it! On the contrary: it boosts my creativity and my joy of sharing. And in the vast World Wide Web, of course, there are not only fans but also critics. That is completely fine. For me, it is part of it, and I continuously practice dealing with it, understanding it, and at the same time not letting it unsettle me. Because fear is a lousy companion when you want to develop, maybe even push boundaries.

Recently, quite casually at dinner, my best friend told me, between starter and main course, that he and his friends actually liked SoSUE quite a bit, but why I still had to show myself in a bikini at almost 50. Another friend, with whom I also have business dealings, threw at me just before we ended our call: "Sue, and please no more bikini photos – here in Munich at the fair, everyone is already tearing each other apart!"

That made me thoughtful. What was so bad to complain about? What made me a public nuisance? Was it my body or the associated age? Guilt alternated with indignation over the indignation. My Aries energy kicked in, and I stubbornly posted a few more bikini photos over the summer. At the same time, I listened to myself, wondering why I recently showed myself so freely and always with a wink in a bikini?

I need to elaborate a bit: I was always athletic – it was simply part of my upbringing and formation. It was less about a bikini figure and more about performance and team spirit. So I had good foundations, and sports were part of my self-understanding. Still, there were times when I was unhappy with my body, felt uncomfortable in my skin. Puberty hit me too, and in my twenties I struggled with a too round butt, curls, and a long nose. In my thirties, my body is only remembered as a swollen organ from three pregnancies in quick succession, inflating like a balloon and then shrinking again. My style was subordinated to functionality – sports served the purpose of stress relief and acted as an energy station – not to look like Pamela Reif again! 

Then, 4 years ago, my biography took a hit. From then on, I lived in a bubble of sorrow, where I still perceived everything but nothing really reached me because some level, some information was missing. My world, partnership, family, career – nothing was the same as before. There followed futile attempts to fill the gap inside me, to keep functioning for my children somehow. My self-esteem plummeted to rock bottom due to the hurt of separating from my husband.

That was almost 4 years ago now, and I have put the puzzle pieces back together. Apparently, it is the breaks in life that bring new perspectives. Suddenly, founding a company no longer seemed like the biggest risk in life, and the blog-zine a way to grow and express myself. 

My strength came back, and with it, sports and a new awareness of my body. Something was different than before, and I saw myself in a new light. Sports no longer just serve to wake me up when I jog around the Alster. I now like it when I feel my gluteal muscles working. That my belly is no longer jiggly pudding but harder and prepared for possible setbacks thanks to planks. I feel the change, inside and out, and with the new zest for life, I also feel a new, much more sensual body awareness. 

I have arrived at myself and usually feel comfortable. So what is wrong with showing it? Because I am almost 50? What does that have to do with age? Supposedly, our society is so tolerant, ageless, and best-ager-pro ... well, someone has to explain that to me! I didn't suspect that a woman in her late 40s in a bikini would pose such a danger, even causing tensions of a moral nature. I say: People, be happy for every person who feels comfortable, whether naked, in underwear, jeans, bikini, or burka – God's garden is colorful!

I don't want to be sentimental; after all, we receive a lot of encouragement at SoSUE, by the way, also for the bikini photos. Rather, I want to serve as an example that after a setback, life goes on. I no longer need the safe harbor of marriage to feel "valuable." Nor the confirmation of one or even several men to love myself. People may accuse me of narcissism – I say: Well, I ended up in a big group! I appreciate the company of capricious people. Narcissists are anything but boring. We are simply easy to see through: We are looking for playmates. 

There will always be doubters and critics. I appreciate comments and letters that recognize me, that enjoy our stories at SoSUE and want to connect with us. Those to whom I may be an example that a broken heart is not the end of the world and that every person is truly beautiful when they are at peace with themselves. 

At this point, a huge thank you to our readers. We are always incredibly happy about your comments. The positive ones and the critical ones ;)