Falling in love properly: A flirt coach tells
Love is a strange game, as a German pop song says. Flirt and dating coach Julia Mattes can also sing a song about that. In her practice, she advises people who are looking for their soulmate. What you need to consider when falling in love and getting to know someone, and what matters in a partnership, you will learn in the interview.
Please introduce yourself first – what is actually the difference between a coach and a therapist?
My name is Julia Mattes, a flirt and dating coach from Berlin. In my practice on Kurfürstendamm, I advise people who are looking for their dream partner. There are no coincidences in life, and the fact that people are reading this blog article right now is already a sign that they are meant to learn about me. A coach is someone who helps you reach your goal, but in a much shorter time than if you go the path alone. A coach listens, asks questions, shows solutions, inspires and motivates, and challenges persistent beliefs. The transition from coach to therapist is often fluid. However, coaching is less about childhood traumas, as is the case with psychologists or therapists, and more about what is needed here and now to reach the goal in a shorter time. My experience from the last 15 years as a coach is: Some people sitting with therapists actually belong in the hands of a coach. And some clients sitting with a coach actually need a therapist as the first step. To find out what someone needs, my tip is: get in touch and get information, arrange a get-to-know appointment, and then decide from your gut whether you want to work with the coach or therapist, whether you feel mutual sympathy from both sides. Mutual sympathy is the best basis to be able to open up and achieve the best results for yourself.
How can couples meet and get to know each other as relaxed as possible?
Online dating is booming during the pandemic. It's an easy way to meet people without having to leave the house. Super convenient! Of course, there are many pitfalls to watch out for when diving into the online dating jungle. Just to name one of many pitfalls that 95% of singles fall into: they sign up on dating platforms without a clear goal or idea of their dream partner. Usually on several platforms at once because they think this increases their chances of meeting someone suitable. Most are disappointed and frustrated after a short time that "it doesn't work": few matches, hardly any chats, no decent dates. But you only need to keep a few things in mind for online dating to be successful.
How does online dating work in times of video chats – what matters now when you first only see and get to know each other via Zoom? Which questions are better not to ask?
Many dating platforms offer the so-called video date or video chat feature. It's similar to ZOOM or Skype, except you stay on the dating platform and communicate with your flirt partner via video from there. The advantage is that you don't have to give out your data, like phone number or email address, to the flirt partner you don't know well yet. These video dates are a great alternative and a wonderful precursor to the real first date in real life. You can immediately tell on video whether you like each other or not. If not, you save time, money, and energy by not meeting for a coffee to go. Video dating also has pitfalls that decide whether there will be a second meeting or if you're out right away. To name one trap: many women are disappointed when they start the video and the guy is lounging on the couch in sweatpants while watching Netflix on the side. For many women, that's a no-go. To avoid this disappointment, it's important to discuss BEFORE the date how the video date should look. For example, do both dress up and get creative: order each other's favorite food and then eat together during the video date? Or should it be very casual, easy peasy, just a quick chat between the door and the hinge? Those who think about this beforehand will be less disappointed.
Many couples now meet online and are successfully matched. What is more important: as many matches as possible or the much-cited chemistry?
When you fall in love with someone, many different puzzle pieces play a role: for example, do you like each other? Sympathy arises, among other things, through commonalities, meaning a high agreement in the same values, life attitudes, or behaviors. For example, if I love riding motorcycles, I find a partner who shares the same enthusiasm with me sympathetic. We then have a similarity, a commonality. Beyond that, we consciously and unconsciously check: Are you physically attracted, do you find the other person attractive? What does the person radiate, how do they come across? "Chemistry" arises when all factors come together equally. If you notice that you keep getting stuck on one of these puzzle pieces, for example, you can't seem to appear interesting and confident, then coaching can be very helpful here.
How can you support women and men in their process of finding the right partner for life?
People who come to me are often very successful professionally, but they need short-term support in love. Many come from long-term relationships or have gone through a divorce. Then, after many years, they re-enter the dating jungle and don't know where to start. Where do I find a suitable partner? Who actually suits me? What do I want? Can I even flirt anymore? Here's the good news upfront: Flirting is like riding a bike, you never forget how. You just have to have the courage to get back on the bike or know how it works. I see myself as a ranger who knows exactly where the dangers lurk in the jungle. As a ranger, you point out the pitfalls and guide safely past them so that you arrive safely at your destination in the end. With my experience as a dating coach, I show my clients where the pitfalls lie in the dating jungle and bring them safely to their goal: the love of their life, the love of themselves, and the love of a new partner.
What are the most frequently asked questions or problems?
People who come to me are at very different points in their lives. Starting from: I still think about my ex, how can I finally let go and open up to someone new? I always attract the wrong types, what can I do? To: How do I know if she likes me? How do I approach her? How do I come across as interesting in a conversation? Further on: He doesn't get in touch after the date, is he still interested? How can I excite him about me? Up to: When is the right time to kiss her? What can I do to avoid ending up in the friend zone, or how do I get out of it? How do I bring spark back into my relationship? Depending on which phase of flirting, falling in love, getting to know each other, and the relationship one is in, different challenges arise that need to be overcome. Coaching can then be helpful to get off the thought carousel. You get an opinion from a third person who has a different perspective. You get inspired, motivated, and shown solutions you wouldn't come up with yourself because you can't see them.
How important is a high level of agreement in interests, quirks, and values?
Relationships often crack when different opinions, and thus different values, clash. Shared interests and the same values, especially now during the pandemic, sharing the same political views, bring couples closer together in challenging times. Studies have found that couples with a high agreement on the same values and similar behaviors often stay together longer than couples who are completely opposite. The saying "Birds of a feather flock together." therefore holds true here.
Is there a secret recipe for a long-lasting relationship?
A secret recipe for a long-lasting relationship is definitely to keep giving each other small attentions and compliments. Many people think that flirting stops once you're settled down. That's wrong. Flirting only begins then! To keep a relationship fresh, appreciation plays a big role. Everyone wants to be noticed and seen by their partner. You want to feel attractive to your partner. Therefore: Give your partner loving, honest compliments several times a week.
When should a couple seek help? (Most only take action when the relationship has already fallen into the well)
You should seek outside help if you have more days where you feel uncomfortable with each other than days where you enjoy each other's company. Typical signs are if you argue over trivialities, weigh every word from your partner on a gold scale, hardly exchange any tenderness anymore. If you feel like my partner doesn't love me anymore or I ask myself: Is it just habit or still love.
Since Corona, many couples have cabin fever, there are arguments – especially since everyone deals with this situation differently. What is being demanded of us now?
A lot! The pandemic is an absolute exceptional situation. Nerves are quickly frayed. Suddenly we are stuck together 24/7, and before couples might have only seen each other on weekends or evenings for dinner. It is actually a test of maturity for couples right now. Do they fit together or not? Does it hold, or do they separate? Separation can also be a solution. You can also use the time we have now positively for yourself. By looking inward and finding out: What do I need to feel good? What annoys me? Where can there be a compromise? We are all very sensitive at the moment. And precisely because of that, we should be a bit more generous with each other and maybe not weigh every word on a gold scale.
What significance do celebrations like Valentine's Day have for love? Appreciation, affection, and respect should be "delivered free" all year round.
Yes, absolutely! Appreciation should be there all year round. A flirt and compliments within the relationship keep the love fresh. That's why Valentine's Day is more of a "reminder" that you should take care of your relationship to keep it beautiful.
You have helped people fall in love over the last 15 years - what happens when the Love fades, so what does your work look like then?
When the love between two people fades, not everything is lost. My approach is always to fight for the partnership. There are many different things that hold people together: shared children, shared business, shared circle of friends, a friendly and appreciative coexistence. In my coaching, it's about finding out and gaining clarity: Where do I stand? What do I want? What is needed? How do I get there? When nothing works anymore, separation can also be a solution. Basically, I want to say again at this point: Unfortunately, we don't learn in school how to have successful relationships. So how should we know? It's actually quite simple when you know how it works.